My brother, Nick.

Matt and I were cleaning our fish tank on May 23rd when my Dad called. He had called on Matt's phone but it was right next to me so I answered. The tone in his voice when he said "Courtney, let me talk to Matt" made me immediately hand the phone over. After a short conversation outside, Matt came back in and told me "Courtney, your brother is dead." Four little words changed everything.

We immediately drove to my moms where we all spent the night dealing with shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, and confusion. The next day Mom and Doug flew to Arizona while Matt and I, along with the kids, began our drive. That week was a whirlwind and I can't even begin to remember all that was said, or all that we did. I have only been to two funerals that I can remember, and both of them I attended in support of someone who knew the deceased. And now, there I was, helping to plan my only brother's funeral with both of my parents. His service was something I think he would have been happy about. Of course there were tears, but there was also quite a bit of laughter. My Dad delivered a speech that only he could, and everything about it was so perfectly Nick.

When you're hearing stories of him, it's almost like he's back with you. You can hear the inflections in his voice or see his lanky gait as he walks through the door. But when the stories stop, you lose him all over again. I only had one sibling. Now I have none. Someday, when my parents are gone, it will just be me. I asked Matt the other day if he thought people in Heaven could see what was going on here in this life. We both agree they probably can't. While I don't want my brother to worry about us hurting (because I know he would) it pains me that he can't hear me when I talk to him and that he won't get to see Weston and Hannah grow. I will do my best to ensure my kids know who their Uncle Nick is but I can't do anything about it the other way around. 

While I grieve the loss of my brother, I really can't imagine the hurt my parents are going through. That weighs on my heart almost as bad as the loss. My parent's have fallen to their knees, and I just want to put them on my back and carry them through this grief. They have always lifted me up and dusted me off. They fix things for me. I want so badly to fix this for them. I've always been such a planner. And by the grace of God, my life had gone according to plan up until that moment on May 23rd. This is so totally opposite of any plan I ever had! My parents should never have to experience this grief. There is nothing I can do to make it hurt any less. I am beyond worried about both of them. If they'd let me, I'd move them both right in to our house with us. I need them close to me- both for comfort and to ease my worry. I look at other people who have gone through tragedy some time ago and they seem so "normal". In my head I know that will come for us, but in my heart it seems hard to believe. It seems unlikely that my mom will ever have a Sunday where she doesn't long for her weekly phone calls, or that my Dad will ever drive his Cardinals bus without the bitterness of the seat unfilled. And these were the things they used to look forward to! If only I could turn back time and be a more loving sister, maybe, just maybe, things would be different. I realized yesterday that I always say "The hardest part is..." and then finish the sentence with something different. The truth is, I don't know what is the hardest. Is it the wondering why? Those moments when you really grasp that you'll never see him again? The worry about my parents? The sadness at those things I wish I would have said? It's impossible to pick just one "hardest" thing.

My brother would hate all of this. He would hate all the huffing and puffing about him. He would hate to see anyone shed a tear or lose any sleep over something he did. Well I hate it too... and I wish he was here so I could tell him that.

Introducing...

May turned out to be one roller coaster of a month. This is the first opportunity I have had to really get all my thoughts down on (electronic) paper. I'll stick to chronological order and start with the good (actually the great).

My due date was May 10th and because my doctor was slightly concerned about the physics of a large baby exiting from a small woman, we scheduled my induction for May 11. My due date came with no signs of bringing a baby with it. I spent that night mentally bonding with the baby who was spending his or her last night snugly in my tummy. Falling asleep proved to be difficult as I laid awake thinking about how I would be up at 4am to get ready to meet the newest little Gross.4am sounded so early.

Luckily for me, I didn't end up having to get up so early because my water broke shortly after midnight. This baby was on his/her own schedule! I woke Matt, we had a good chuckle, and then headed off to the hospital. Shortly after being admitted the contractions started to get more intense. My labor was progressing pretty quickly. The anesthesiologist came to give me my epidural. He was young- like Doogie Howser young. I jokingly asked him if he would tell me if this was his first epidural and he said he wouldn't.  Matt stood in front of me, just like he had when I was in labor with Weston, and Doctor Doogie gave a sort of play-by-play of what he was doing behind my back. This probably wasn't the best idea considering I have a husband who doesn't handle needles and blood all that well. I'm sure the nurses thought "Oh, we've got a fainter!" Luckily, he didn't actually faint though I am fairly certain he was very, very close. He had a seat in the corner until some semblance of color returned to his face. I believe it was about 3:30am now and one of the nurses joked "You're going to have a baby before you were even suppose to be here for your induction!". They were wrong. From this point on my labor creeped. Again, this baby had their own ideas. 

My epidural only worked on my left side- I still had feeling on my right. The strangest part though was that I felt my contractions on the back of my thigh. We later learned that the epidural needle was slightly crooked and pushing on a nerve. I remember sitting there between Charlie Horses thinking about how neat it was that I feel what's going on in my tummy in my leg. Anyhow, Dr. Doogie ultimately came in, gave me a pouty lip (yes, he really made a frowny face much like Weston does before he starts bawling) to say sorry for not providing a splendid epidural, and then gave me a 2nd one. This one worked like a charm. Before leaving, Dr. Doogie looked at me and said "By the way, if this was my first epidural, this is when I would tell you". I still wonder if he was trying to tell me something...

I was a little nervous about this labor since Weston was so incredibly easy. I wondered if it was a fluke and if I was in for a eye opener. Luckily though, this one was just as easy. Me, Matt, and all the medical staff laughed and joked right up until the minute our little love bug arrived. At 7:59am our baby was born and the doctor held them up so we could see if we had a new son or daughter. The only problem was that the umbilical cord was running right through their legs so we still didn't know! I think the nurses even joined in when we all said "WE CAN'T SEE!". After moving the umbilical cord we were blessed to see that we now had a daughter- our baby was a baby girl. We are so in love. Matt cried. I sat in shock because I apparently my feeling that it was a boy ran deeper than I had realized. We had Weston in the room first so he could meet his new sister and after a few sweet moments, he really just wanted to play trucks. The rest of the family came in soon after and we all oogled over what a perfect baby we held in our arms.

Hannah Mae is now 5 weeks old and "love" doesn't being to describe what we feel for her. We are stunned that we have now created not one, but two, amazing children. She loves to be cuddled and I love to cuddle her so I think we are a match made in heaven. I am thankful to God that he chose me to be her Mom. Watching my two kiddos brings my more joy than I ever knew possible. Weston is now obsessed with his sister and can't go 5 minutes without kissing her forehead, holding her hand, or giving her a hug. If only two year old boys knew the meaning of gentle!

One month to go...

I am officially one month away from D-Day and time doesn't seem to be slowing down any. I've procrastinated getting stuff ready because it still seems a little unreal. I haven't even gotten a bassinet ready for them to sleep in yet! Matt and I had names picked out but of course now that it's down to the wire we are having second thoughts. Our baby may be nameless and not have a place to sleep but he/she will certainly be loved! We can't wait to meet our second love bundle! 

Recent happenings:

- 3D Ultrasound. Immediately when he saw the face he said "Looks just like Weston!". Needless to say, he now thinks we're having a boy. 

-Weston has started singing basically all the time. Our song choices are either "Twinkle Star" or "ABC song". He actually does a pretty good job at the lyrics but I can never seem to catch it on camera. Here is a little video of him singing while he sits half buried in a pile of books. It's not his best rendition but it's still stinkin' cute. The arm thing is not just his rad dance moves, it's actually him signing "star".

-We had a garage sale to clear out room for our growing assortment of toys and baby gear. It was a lot of work but we sold nearly everything and made a decent chunk of change so it served its purpose!

-My Dad and Julie came for a quick visit over Easter. Weston had a blast. 

Upcoming Events:

Oh, you know, just the birth of our second child. No big deal. 

Getting Back Into It.

I haven't been as mentally involved in this pregnancy as I was with Weston. I could blame it on a number of reasons- being kept busy by a toddler, having the "been there, done that" mentality, etc- but I still feel guilty about it. So one of my resolutions is to begin blogging again! I love looking back at Weston's first year- it'll be fun to do the same with this nugget.

I'm already 31 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how fast it has gone. I feel huge, my clothes never seem to fit right, and my pelvis hurts like heck. But all in all, it's been a relatively easy ride. This baby is far more active then Weston was. I sometimes wonder when he/she sleeps! Weston is obviously too young to grasp the full significance of the baby in mommy's tummy but he sure does love to give them hugs and kisses. He also covers up my stomach and pats it when the baby needs to "seep". His favorite thing to do though by far is give "baby bumps". When I'm laying down he lifts up both of our shirts and then jumps on me belly-to-belly. Sometimes it's cute. Sometimes not so much.

Matt and I are trying to do some work around our house. Do all couples feel like they are constantly fixing and updating their home or is that just us?

I recently finally got around to somewhat decorating the nursery. This baby's room is much smaller than Weston's room so there's no way all the typical furniture would fit. I really like the general feel of the room, it just needs some more personal touches... and I haven't got around to that. We have our 3D ultrasound next week so hopefully we will get some good pictures of our love bug. I'll post a couple pictures of the room thus far along with some of our recent adventures.

A little progress on the nursery!

Weston started soccer! Once he learned to wait his turn, he really started enjoying it!

We had a snow day in February!

At the park.

Sweet boy at Austin's 4th birthday party. 

This was a short 3D movie playing at Legoland. Wes was only moderately interested.

We walked down to the ball fields by our house to watch the little leaguers. Needless to say, we can't wait for booger to start.

Everyday we have to "feed the pig".

Working Mom

When we were looking for daycares for Weston we had a really tough time deciding whether to choose a place close to home for ease of drop off/pick up for both Matt and me, or a place close to my work for easier visits and response time in emergency. We ultimately decided to do it close to my work, and now I can’t imagine him being 35 minutes away during the day. I get to visit him every day during lunch (a practice which I had only intended to do for a couple weeks but has now been happening for 6 months). It’s fantastic! But this arrangement certainly had its hidden strings. On one hand, we’re so close! On the other hand, we’re so close. If he ever needs something at daycare, it falls on me to leave work. Keeping up with his supply of diapers, clothes, food, pacifiers, and bottles is all me. Doctor’s appointments? Yeah, those are on me too. Most of the time, I really don’t mind all this. In fact, if you ask Matt, he’ll tell you my inner control freak LOVES it. Sometimes though, the battle between Mom and CSI Gross is overwhelming. Like right now, for instance. I have shrugged off many training opportunities at work because traveling out of baby range was out of the question. Well one day last month I was feeling particularly brave. I got all gung-ho about this training and registered myself and a coworker. Well sometime between then and now, my bravery high-tailed it out the back door. How is my little booger going to handle not nursing for three days? How is he going to sleep without it? If he doesn’t do well, how is Matt going to handle the lack of sleep plus all the added responsibilities? Is Weston going to be sad that he doesn’t get to see me at lunch? I am a total worry wart. And I am suffering from a bad case of working mom guilt. I am trying not to dwell on it so I keep reminding myself how excited I am for this training. It will open a whole new world for our departments fingerprint work- my favorite! It will give Weston some quality time with Dad. It will give me a break from mommyhood. It’s only three days- I can do it!

I am so beyond thankful that I have such a parent-friendly working environment. I could brag on MPD for hours on so many things but this one hits home with me. It’s really the only reason I could continue to work while having a baby because, even with their support, being a working mom is a tough gig. It’s work, work, pump, work, work, nurse, work, work, pump. That’s my 7-4 day. Then I get home and it’s play, change, nurse, make bottles, clean, cook, clean, play, undress, redress, read, nurse, put down, shower, bed. That’s my 4-10 day. Wake up at 5 and repeat. It’s quite exhausting but there are a few things that make it so worth it. Like when the work that I do allows us to identify and arrest a suspect. Like the way Weston crawls (yes, crawls!) over to me just to give me a slobbery, open-mouthed “kissy”. Like the pat on the tush I get from Matt when he comes home and I am cooking dinner. It’s the little things for me that make this life I lead so incredibly rewarding.

Don’t misunderstand my temporary anxiety though, I CHOOSE to work. Certainly, if it were something I really wanted, we could make it on Matt’s salary alone. I applaud all you stay-at-home moms. You, by no means, have a cake walk. I know you desperately want 10 minutes alone to shower without playing peek-a-boo with your baby or wondering why your toddler has suddenly gone quiet. I know that most of your life occurs within the four walls of your house while the rest of the world is out scurrying about. I can imagine how lonely you feel at times despite that you are never alone. I know you are so much more than “just” a SAHM. You are a chef, a maid, a safety officer, a cheerleader, a nurse, a chauffeur, a therapist, a janitor, and numerous other occupations. I know you do all of these jobs even when you are so sick you can barely drag yourself out of bed because, as a SAHM, there are no sick days. You see, although it is financially beneficial for my family if I work, part of the reason I do it is for ME. It keeps me sane. It keeps me motivated. It’s my “me” time.

There are so many different family dynamics in the world! That’s what makes it so great. And every dynamic brings with it a set of challenges for everyone in the household. It’s really about finding what works best for any particular set of circumstances. Despite the stresses that I feel (and I am pretty sure every working mother feels at some point) I wouldn’t change anything about it. It’s my perfection.

Upcoming events: Nephew's camping birthday party. Training in Austin. Weston's first haircut?

He's only figured out how to go backward so far.

Pop Pop came to visit!

Weston and Pop Pop taking a selfie.

W and his girlfriend Hailie.

Such a water baby.

They love each other.

Beautiful weather meant a day in the park!

Mardi Gras celebration.

Weston's new cheesy smile.

How about a little progression over 3 months...

 He's crawling!