Daily Life

Sometimes, wait scratch that, most of the time, I feel like I'm just trying to keep up with the day to day. I rarely feel like I am ahead of the game anymore. Because of that, I am actually a little proud that it has only been about 4 months since my last post! Hey, life is all about perspective-right?

I can't think of any better description of the last four months than absolutely beautiful, exhausting chaos. My house never seems to be clean. There's always dishes in the sink (which I hate!). Laundry often sits on the guest bed for a couple several days before it gets folded. We eat out way too often because making dinner some days feels equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest with an elephant strapped to my back. I can't manage to send a birthday/anniversary/wedding gift out on time. We got back from Arizona over a week ago and Matt's suitcase is still only partially unpacked. Our garage is quickly filling up with stuff that all needs something done to it. But you know what else? There has been more laughter in our house than ever before. We get together often with friends and family. Weston puts himself to bed in his own room without so much as a whimper. Matt and I are learning to make the most of our time together as husband and wife. Hannah started taking a bottle and, though I didn't know it was possible, smiles more now than ever before.There's artwork from Sunday school on my fridge, and a muddy pair of boots from playing outside in Weston's closet. Sure there are days where I feel like a hamster in a wheel, but there are more days where I feel richer than I could deserve.

Both of our babes seem to be growing up so fast. Hannah is 4 months old and ridiculously happy. I have never seen a baby smile so much, or have so much to say. She is definitely a gabber! She's rolling all over the place and has the tippy tip of a tooth poking through. She likes sitting and standing or playing in her jumper. She also likes blowing bubbles and sucking on her hands and feet. Just, whatever you do, do NOT put her in her car seat when she's not wanting to go in her car seat. She will let.you.know. 

Weston has always been ahead of his years verbally but lately he talks in clear, thought out paragraphs. Sometimes Matt and I are in shock of an idea he puts together and tells us. He gets ridiculously excited over motorcycles and police cars. He still loves to play soccer and baseball. He knows all of his letters (upper and lowercase!) and most of numbers 1-10. But the little rascal is definitely in his terrible twos. Ho-ly cow. There are some days I bet he says "no" 50 times- and I wish that was an exaggeration. You can be having a blast tickling his tummy and then try to tickle his foot, and he will loose his marbles. If he wants to play with a truck and you bring him one, I don't care which one you brought him, it was the wrong one. I guess this is when you have to kick your parenting into high gear. We try to stay calm, consistent, and firm. That should be my new mantra! Thank the good Lord that this isn't an every day rigmarole, otherwise there may be one cute little boy for sale cheap!

Some cute Weston sayings:

Dad: "Come on Wes it's time to brush your teeth!"
Weston: "I'm too busy right now."

Mom: "Oh bubs, did you fall down and hurt your butt?"
Weston (crying): "Yah Momma, kiss my butt"

Weston: "I've got to go pee-pee on the potty."
Mom: "Okay buddy, lets go!"
Weston: "Nevermind, I'll just pee on the floor." (And he sure did!)

Some not so cute Weston sayings:

Dad: "Wes, go get your soccer ball."
Weston: "NO, YOU GO GET IT!"

Mom: "Oh calm down Weston, all I did was kiss your forehead."
Weston: "No Momma! That's my forehead, not yours, and you can't kiss it!"


RECENT EVENTS:  Hannah's 4 month check up. She weighed 16lbs 9 oz (88th percentile), she was 25.5 inches tall (86th percentile), and he head size was 42.3cm (80-90th percentile). My Dad got married so we traveled to AZ for the wedding. Matt and I went to see Garth Brooks. We also had our 3 year anniversary.

UPCOMING EVENTS: Kid's first trip to SeaWorld. Halloween (because lets face it, I probably wont post again before then).

Another season of soccer in the books!

Petting zoo

Drive through safari park

Perot Museum with Allie and Austin

Our boy is TWO!

Weston's Birthday Party

Wes and his bud, Bentley

Date night at the horse races

4th of July at Gigi and Toppy's

Balloon release for my brother's 32nd Birthday

Hangin' by the pool

Gross family get together

First day of daycare/work

Rangers game number 2

Weston's first catch!

My brother, Nick.

Matt and I were cleaning our fish tank on May 23rd when my Dad called. He had called on Matt's phone but it was right next to me so I answered. The tone in his voice when he said "Courtney, let me talk to Matt" made me immediately hand the phone over. After a short conversation outside, Matt came back in and told me "Courtney, your brother is dead." Four little words changed everything.

We immediately drove to my moms where we all spent the night dealing with shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, and confusion. The next day Mom and Doug flew to Arizona while Matt and I, along with the kids, began our drive. That week was a whirlwind and I can't even begin to remember all that was said, or all that we did. I have only been to two funerals that I can remember, and both of them I attended in support of someone who knew the deceased. And now, there I was, helping to plan my only brother's funeral with both of my parents. His service was something I think he would have been happy about. Of course there were tears, but there was also quite a bit of laughter. My Dad delivered a speech that only he could, and everything about it was so perfectly Nick.

When you're hearing stories of him, it's almost like he's back with you. You can hear the inflections in his voice or see his lanky gait as he walks through the door. But when the stories stop, you lose him all over again. I only had one sibling. Now I have none. Someday, when my parents are gone, it will just be me. I asked Matt the other day if he thought people in Heaven could see what was going on here in this life. We both agree they probably can't. While I don't want my brother to worry about us hurting (because I know he would) it pains me that he can't hear me when I talk to him and that he won't get to see Weston and Hannah grow. I will do my best to ensure my kids know who their Uncle Nick is but I can't do anything about it the other way around. 

While I grieve the loss of my brother, I really can't imagine the hurt my parents are going through. That weighs on my heart almost as bad as the loss. My parent's have fallen to their knees, and I just want to put them on my back and carry them through this grief. They have always lifted me up and dusted me off. They fix things for me. I want so badly to fix this for them. I've always been such a planner. And by the grace of God, my life had gone according to plan up until that moment on May 23rd. This is so totally opposite of any plan I ever had! My parents should never have to experience this grief. There is nothing I can do to make it hurt any less. I am beyond worried about both of them. If they'd let me, I'd move them both right in to our house with us. I need them close to me- both for comfort and to ease my worry. I look at other people who have gone through tragedy some time ago and they seem so "normal". In my head I know that will come for us, but in my heart it seems hard to believe. It seems unlikely that my mom will ever have a Sunday where she doesn't long for her weekly phone calls, or that my Dad will ever drive his Cardinals bus without the bitterness of the seat unfilled. And these were the things they used to look forward to! If only I could turn back time and be a more loving sister, maybe, just maybe, things would be different. I realized yesterday that I always say "The hardest part is..." and then finish the sentence with something different. The truth is, I don't know what is the hardest. Is it the wondering why? Those moments when you really grasp that you'll never see him again? The worry about my parents? The sadness at those things I wish I would have said? It's impossible to pick just one "hardest" thing.

My brother would hate all of this. He would hate all the huffing and puffing about him. He would hate to see anyone shed a tear or lose any sleep over something he did. Well I hate it too... and I wish he was here so I could tell him that.

Introducing...

May turned out to be one roller coaster of a month. This is the first opportunity I have had to really get all my thoughts down on (electronic) paper. I'll stick to chronological order and start with the good (actually the great).

My due date was May 10th and because my doctor was slightly concerned about the physics of a large baby exiting from a small woman, we scheduled my induction for May 11. My due date came with no signs of bringing a baby with it. I spent that night mentally bonding with the baby who was spending his or her last night snugly in my tummy. Falling asleep proved to be difficult as I laid awake thinking about how I would be up at 4am to get ready to meet the newest little Gross.4am sounded so early.

Luckily for me, I didn't end up having to get up so early because my water broke shortly after midnight. This baby was on his/her own schedule! I woke Matt, we had a good chuckle, and then headed off to the hospital. Shortly after being admitted the contractions started to get more intense. My labor was progressing pretty quickly. The anesthesiologist came to give me my epidural. He was young- like Doogie Howser young. I jokingly asked him if he would tell me if this was his first epidural and he said he wouldn't.  Matt stood in front of me, just like he had when I was in labor with Weston, and Doctor Doogie gave a sort of play-by-play of what he was doing behind my back. This probably wasn't the best idea considering I have a husband who doesn't handle needles and blood all that well. I'm sure the nurses thought "Oh, we've got a fainter!" Luckily, he didn't actually faint though I am fairly certain he was very, very close. He had a seat in the corner until some semblance of color returned to his face. I believe it was about 3:30am now and one of the nurses joked "You're going to have a baby before you were even suppose to be here for your induction!". They were wrong. From this point on my labor creeped. Again, this baby had their own ideas. 

My epidural only worked on my left side- I still had feeling on my right. The strangest part though was that I felt my contractions on the back of my thigh. We later learned that the epidural needle was slightly crooked and pushing on a nerve. I remember sitting there between Charlie Horses thinking about how neat it was that I feel what's going on in my tummy in my leg. Anyhow, Dr. Doogie ultimately came in, gave me a pouty lip (yes, he really made a frowny face much like Weston does before he starts bawling) to say sorry for not providing a splendid epidural, and then gave me a 2nd one. This one worked like a charm. Before leaving, Dr. Doogie looked at me and said "By the way, if this was my first epidural, this is when I would tell you". I still wonder if he was trying to tell me something...

I was a little nervous about this labor since Weston was so incredibly easy. I wondered if it was a fluke and if I was in for a eye opener. Luckily though, this one was just as easy. Me, Matt, and all the medical staff laughed and joked right up until the minute our little love bug arrived. At 7:59am our baby was born and the doctor held them up so we could see if we had a new son or daughter. The only problem was that the umbilical cord was running right through their legs so we still didn't know! I think the nurses even joined in when we all said "WE CAN'T SEE!". After moving the umbilical cord we were blessed to see that we now had a daughter- our baby was a baby girl. We are so in love. Matt cried. I sat in shock because I apparently my feeling that it was a boy ran deeper than I had realized. We had Weston in the room first so he could meet his new sister and after a few sweet moments, he really just wanted to play trucks. The rest of the family came in soon after and we all oogled over what a perfect baby we held in our arms.

Hannah Mae is now 5 weeks old and "love" doesn't being to describe what we feel for her. We are stunned that we have now created not one, but two, amazing children. She loves to be cuddled and I love to cuddle her so I think we are a match made in heaven. I am thankful to God that he chose me to be her Mom. Watching my two kiddos brings my more joy than I ever knew possible. Weston is now obsessed with his sister and can't go 5 minutes without kissing her forehead, holding her hand, or giving her a hug. If only two year old boys knew the meaning of gentle!

One month to go...

I am officially one month away from D-Day and time doesn't seem to be slowing down any. I've procrastinated getting stuff ready because it still seems a little unreal. I haven't even gotten a bassinet ready for them to sleep in yet! Matt and I had names picked out but of course now that it's down to the wire we are having second thoughts. Our baby may be nameless and not have a place to sleep but he/she will certainly be loved! We can't wait to meet our second love bundle! 

Recent happenings:

- 3D Ultrasound. Immediately when he saw the face he said "Looks just like Weston!". Needless to say, he now thinks we're having a boy. 

-Weston has started singing basically all the time. Our song choices are either "Twinkle Star" or "ABC song". He actually does a pretty good job at the lyrics but I can never seem to catch it on camera. Here is a little video of him singing while he sits half buried in a pile of books. It's not his best rendition but it's still stinkin' cute. The arm thing is not just his rad dance moves, it's actually him signing "star".

-We had a garage sale to clear out room for our growing assortment of toys and baby gear. It was a lot of work but we sold nearly everything and made a decent chunk of change so it served its purpose!

-My Dad and Julie came for a quick visit over Easter. Weston had a blast. 

Upcoming Events:

Oh, you know, just the birth of our second child. No big deal.